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RGeeProductions
12-01-2005, 11:23 PM
TOP 10: LAWS OF AUTO RACING

10) The number of times you get hit in a pileup is directly proportional to the number of times you said "I think it will go ok today".
9) You only get the lead when you need fuel.
8) If a tire can go on the wrong side, it will.
7) A part will never break during a test session, only during a race.
6) The driver behind you is always the one you punted last week.
5) The part you left at the shop is the one you need.
4) The number of laps remaining is always one more than the amount of fuel left in the car.
3) Your good car will get wrecked, your bad car will finish the race, two laps down.
2) The concrete wall is harder at the tracks you wreck at.

And the number one Law of Auto Racing is....
1) A 10-car pileup will never happen *behind* you!

AND

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR WIFE WAS OBSESSED WITH NASCAR

10. Damned lugnut jewelry left nasty bruises when line dancing
9. Got you out of bed every morning using heavy duty floor jack
8. The "move over" flag at your local track looked suspiciously like the nightie you gave her last Christmas
7. Always "impounded" your underwear for inspection when you returned from a "night out with the boys"
6. Still complaining about you jumping the start and her always recording a DNF
5. Put a restrictor plate on your stereo volume knob
4. Attached a *****in' spoiler to the Kirby
3. Chugged a six pack of Red Dog, smoked a pack of Camels and washed your Hooters t-shirts in all temperature Tide
2. Kids attended Easter service dressed as the Goodwrench pit crew
AND THE NUMBER 1 SIGN YOUR WIFE WAS OBSESSED WITH NASCAR:
1. Kept giving you the black flag in bed for using "leaky equipment"

AND

TOP 10 LEAST POPULAR NEXTYELL CUP EVENTS

10. The Stained Hanes 500
9. Pepto Bismol Goodretch 250
8. The all virgin- First Union 500
7. The Dover "falling" Downs and I can't get up, 911
6. Spam's Cholesterol Classic
5. Goody's "Not Tonite, I've Got A Headache" Powders 400
4. Slim Fast's- Cellulite At The Glen
3. Kevorkian's Diehard 200
2. Slick Willie's, Slick 50 endurance run to Levenwoth
AND THE NUMBER ONE LEAST POPULAR NEXTYELL CUP EVENT:
1. "Pricks in the Desert"- The Phoenix Cactus Classic

AND 1 MORE

New NEXTYELL CUP Rules
1) After each caution, the car will run the opposite way ... caution - clockwise - caution - counter clockwise - caution - clockwise ... etc.
2) Earnhardt, Jr., has to drive with a passenger ... preferably a sumo wrestler ... for extra weight.
3) Potty pit stops during a half time.
4) No more champagne in Victory Lane. A special Jeff Gordon whine will be used.
5) The 'wider is better' Pontiac will be narrowed since NASCAR has discovered the reason Pontiac widened the car was to accommodate Tony Stewart's ego.
6) Cars with handicapped plates shall pit in specially marked blue pit stalls.
7) Depends Undergarments announced it will sponsor a car for the 2006 season. For the betterment of the sport, NASCAR forbids Dick Trickle to be named the driver.
8) Top speed is out! The cars starting positions will depend on how pretty the car is. If it's ugly they will vote on who gets provisionals, the ugliest car goes home.
9) To save the Inspectors time, Jeremy Mayfield's car will automatically fail inspection each week and the team will be fined $25,000.
10) Mike Skinner will start backwards so when he spins he will be facing the right direction.